Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Losing hope?

I don't quite know what's going on with me. I feel I am losing hope. I usually tend to be a hopeful, optimistic person.

These days I am imagining scenarios that I never allowed in my mind before. Having conversations in my head I never imagined I would ever have. Imagining a life that I never thought could ever happen. And it's scary. I don't really like this "alternate reality" that is playing through my mind.

I don't want to blame this melancholy on my prayer life, but that's one thing that has changed recently. So it seems like that could be where this is stemming from. And that scares me even more.

I am being intentional about being more real, honest, and relational in my prayers. I want to relate to God more than just ask from Him. I am trying to see Him the way He truly is, and not my tarnished version of Him that I have had.

In these times of more honesty, this is when these "imaginary" conversations are happening. I am being true and honest with where I am with things in life as I talk to God. There is no sense in pretending with Him. It's foolish to use "christian language" or "prayer words" when God already knows my heart. He wants me to be honest with Him. He loves me, and I claim to love Him. So why would I want to put on a facade when I talk to someone I love and have a relationship with?

I shouldn't. So, I've been trying not to.

But I guess I am now diving into depths of me that I haven't allowed myself to go. Which is weird, because I didn't think I was avoiding things like these thoughts and parts of me. But maybe I have been.

I know this will be good. I know that I want to have a more real and deep relationship with God. So I have to do this. But I don't like this too much right now. Life just seems to be filled with hard conversations this week - with people and with God.

I feel like I'm on the verge of tears all the time these last couple days. And I don't even completely know why. I feel hope oozing out of me and not being replenished yet.

I will trudge through this. I am NOT giving up. But I don't like it. (That sounds kidna whiny. Sorry to end this with a whine!)

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